Written A Month Ago:

So I’m sitting on Nadim’s new balcony in his parents new home in Hamra, vegging out watching football, drinking and eating. Although we’re not watching American football we’re watching the Euro Cup and we’re not eating hot dogs or hamburgers we’re eating Sfi7a, a well-known Ba3lbecki dish, made with goat meat, spices and wrapped in dough, and of course traditionally we’re drinking shai or tea. There’s still lot’s of yelling at the TV and prophetic speeches of who will win it all and who will not, “Hands down, it’s Spain Khulus!”

Life you could say is back to normal, or rather beyond normal; it is as if the past seventeen months were just a bad dream. Now Lebanon has a president, and downtown, which has been closed about just as long as there was a lack of president, has re-opened. This city, which always feels alive, seems to have awoken with deep breaths of fresh air. Not that Libnan’s air quality could use some improvement. I was in the mountains the day Michele Sleiman was elected president, flipping through the TV waiting for my Aunt Edna to arrive, when I passed through the election, parliament reading little slips of paper, “Michele Sleiman.” “Michele Sleiman.” Michele Sleiman….the voice was on repeat over and over. I passed by it seeing as it would be a redundant experience. Ten minutes later, I heard gunshots and RPG (rocket propelled grenades), and knew that celebrations had begun, for our new official president. The rest of the day passed quickly and the next thing I knew my cousin Joe was driving me back to Hamra.

Lebanese flags enwrapped Lebanon, as if we all realized Lebanon was naked and that meant she needed to be clothed. I concretely believe that there were more Lebanese flags after the election of a president, than there were American flags after 9/11- that is not an exaggeration. Michele Sleiman’s face lined the streets, the way he was celebrated you’d believe he solved all of our problems already. But rather, instead his position now filled, represents hope; hope that maybe Lebanon will know stability.

So we Lebanese aren’t that different from the rest of the world, our food may be a bit different, our traditions seeped in it’s own history, but hey we all love football and the future looks so bleak that we hang on to anything that looks like hope.

That sounds pessimistic, but rather I feel I’m optimistic. We may not be able to find hope in the recent elections or the upcoming ones, but we have more solid reminders around us everyday, they are the faces of our loved ones, the ground beneath our feet, the nature of this earth- even if she is not readily around us. We are the hope for the future; we just need to realize that even in bleak political situations, it is the ability to spread our positive light around us, that keeps people unified and whole.

So I’m sitting at Younes, a favorite cafe of mine in Hamra Beirut, rocking out to Tupac and trying to catch up on school work. A week off right before finals, was not very conducive to the University schedule. The day is a sweaty one, only 75 degrees, but the humidity is a blanket on days like these, where condensation forms on the driest of surfaces. My thoughts are all wrapped up and intertwined with the haziness of the day.

I remember the day things were starting to change, when the leaders in Lebanon and the Arab League decided to work for a solution in Doha, Qatar, my boyfriend, Nadim, picked me up at my apartment. The music in the car sang sweetly after days of tension and unrest, feeling trapped in four meters by four meters, balancing responses of a tangible fear and unease, and other responses of “this is Lebanon.” But why does, strife, fear, political instability, civil war, war, war, fighting, gun shots, have to be what Lebanon is? Yes Lebanon has experienced all of those things and history should not just be wiped from all the pages and all the hearts that experienced it. Is it reasonable to think that after experiencing so many crisis situations, so much upheaval, a civil war, that you can still be shocked by political instability that leads to contagious violence? I would like to think that I will always be ’shocked’ or moved or whatever the proper word is, by injustices, but is that possible?

The world has an effect on us all, it calluses our hearts so as to cope and operate ‘more effectively.’ Our senses are dulled to our everyday lives, so that our days are productive, and quick. If we experienced everything to the fullest degree at every moment of life, we would never get anything done and I have a feeling we would be fairly overwhelmed. But when do our ways of coping become debilitating, or rather when we create these coping mechanisms are we losing more of our humanity?

Well, in the meantime life has resumed in Lebanon. The flowers are the definition of radiant, they are a symbolism of life- pinks, whites, reds, blues, and purple. Purple. I’ve never seen such fierce purples in my life. No wonder the color of the goddesses in the middle- east was purple. Trees of purple flowers lined the streets leading to Sanayeh - the largest park/forest in Beirut- petals float down with an effortless that contradicts the weight of the days. For some reason it reminded me of the Army officer I saw walking to Hamra, he slung his gun over his arm with an effort of the world, as if this gun was the heavier than anything he had ever carried. It was the heaviest thing we’ve ever carried. This world, these advances in technology, bring us further down a clouded road of more heavy things.

The days have moved on and the city is bustling as ever, where just a few days previous it was somewhat of a ghost town trying to remember what it was to be alive. It seems that we should have a president by this sunday, after 18 months of not. What’s more is the tents that have inhabited Beirut’s downtown in protest, should also be packing up soon.

Is this a solution? Or just a bandage on a very deep wound? I think that Lebanon needs to not only put a bandage on, or stitch up the many wounds, or apply countless salves, Lebanon needs to confront the why these wounds happen? It seems we are in an age where the whole world is applying more salves and bandages without considering the bigger systemic problems.

So it has been just over a week and it seems Lebanon, for now, can rest.  The stress and tension will fade a bit into the background until the next time something happens.  But when does it really stop? What will have to happen before Lebanon can truly know peace?

Just yesterday, the government revoked it’s initial decision to impose a resolution on Hezbollah’s telecommunications.

What is the permanent change that will ensure Lebanon’s peaceful internal stability?

So it’s another Monday, like so many Mondays that have come before, except that my classes were cancelled again. In normal circumstances such a situation would be a gift, but I miss my friends Dua and Hannan, Mariam and Muhanad. Most of my friends have evacuated to their neighboring nationalities, while most of the local schools are closing down for the week. It does not bode well in this seemingly serene calmness.

I was able to run errands for the first time today, and yesterday for a couple of hours I spent time with my friend Mariam- she lives in my community, close to AUB, and was there when everything happened. You could still see militiamen roaming the streets last night, although, the army has mostly taken over at this point.

The interesting part about all of this to me is the why. Why is this happening and is that why an excuse? From the beginning of the established Lebanese government the structure has been set according to religion, called confessionalism– A Christian Maronite President, A Sunni Muslim Prime Minister, A Shia Speaker of Parliament, etc. The seats in parliament are also divided based on religion and like all disenfranchised groups the Shia make up the majority percentage of the population around 40%, but have the least amount of seats. They live in the poorest conditions and are constantly ignored by the government.

During the War on Lebanon in the summer of 2006, where Israel had attacked Lebanon for just over a month, killing 1,200 civilians and completely demolishing Lebanon’s infrastructure. Hezbollah was the only reason, the causalities were not higher and the reason for Israel’s defeat on the ground. Most of Lebanon was grateful for them and what they did to keep Israel from completely destroying the country. After the war had ended, Hezbollah and the Shia community thought it was the best opportunity to approach the government for more parliamentary seats and have equal representation.

To be clear Hezbollah consists of only Shia Muslims but does not represent all Shia Muslims. The two are not synonymous; I want to be careful not to create a general image, in explaining such a complicated issue.

The government did not concede, and so, many Shia took to the streets and camped out in front of Parliament for almost 18months. It continues on, this sort of ignoring and this pushing aside, until the resolution to halt Hezbollah’s telecommunications came in. At which point, they joined with the General Labor’s Union in their general strike for higher wages. And thus took over Beirut.

For me it is important to understand the why in order to fix the problem. The divisions between all the religious groups are so deep and wide here. For me, I don’t identify with any group that is fighting now. The government is still ignoring Hezbollah and their demands, which this in and of itself will only lead to more fighting. At the same time, I disagree with Hezbollah’s tactics in forcing themselves on all of Beirut, therefore intensifying the divides that already exist. The death toll has already reached 81 and the injured is now 250 since the fighting on Wednesday began. And Goddess forbid something does ensue with Israel, as a result of the Hezbollah takeover, will the rest of the country be as gracious as they were two years ago. Does Hezbollah care?

By purposefully ignoring Hezbollah and knowing they would intensify their tactics (as the whole country was predicting), was the government intentional on seeming to the international community as the peaceful ones? And, therefore, making Hezbollah also seem, to the international community, as violent terrorists? Was this an intention or just a by-product of the situation?

There seem to be more and more questions piling up on my end, with less certainty, only my heart that guides me in this. Sometimes I get so frustrated with the situation, wishing to just set things right and move everything around to serve everyone. But then how does one really know what’s best for everyone, that arrogance I leave to the politicians, as they fight and ignore one another for the sake of the country.

To find out more information about this situation a great source is Robert Fisk, life-long journalist in Lebanon

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/fisk/robert-fisk-lebanon-does-not-want-another-war-does-it-825915.html

The Lebanese Army announced that it would look into the telecommunications issue, that was one of the sparks for the last few days of violence.  They also said that Brigadier General Wafiq Shqeir, the head of airport security and thought to be linked with Hezbollah will remain at his post until “approriate procedural methods” are taken. 

The head of the Lebanese Army was the consensus comprimise candidate for the Lebanese Presidency, and as he steps up into leadership things are seemingly positive.  Hezbollah has decided to withdraw from Beirut and “welcomes the army’s decision.”  

To read more: http://www.dailystar.com.lb/articlebr.asp?edition_id=1&categ_id=2&article_id=91907

The Days Add Up Stuck

May 8^th-May 10^th, 2008

I lay entangled within Nadim’s arms and legs.  I had already read as much as I could online talked to as many people that I could about what was happening and the clarity was as confused as the gunshots around me.  They sprang out from every direction, as RPG’s raged in the distance.  It was so unclear as to what was happening and who was being targeted.  Sleep was also impossible, so I lay awake letting the noises wash over me, counting Nadim’s breaths. 

I began to think of all the things I had still “planned” on doing, and that John Lennon quote sank in deeply as I finally began to understand the meaning of it.  Life is what happens when a war disrupts your plans and shocks you back into reality.  I was going to get my first tattoo here, I was going to live in the Chouf  for a month on the Eco- Village, volunteering with Nadim.  I just received my Loan check- I was going to get presents for people, and bring spices home.  My biggest sadness is not spending more time with my Tata’s sister, the light of her life, hearing the song of her voice. 

Sometime in the night, lightening filled the sky, and the saturated clouds released the pent up pain and frustration, as my body released in its cyclical monthly patterns.  I began anew on the eve of war.  At 5am, twelve hours after the shooting began, the world around me quieted, whimpering now and then with shooting always more shooting.  My eyes finally fell back into my dreams and my ears closed off the sounds around me.  I kept waking, wondering if it would still be too late to get back to Hamra, my neighborhood- my friend Muhanad’s words stuck to the insides of my head, “I love Hamra at dawn just dripping with life, and at midnight when I’m drunk and stumble home; her arms welcome me.  But in the afternoon Hamra, man, she alienates me with the incessant beeping and the running into people.” – and when her roads are set with checkpoints that won’t let you pass.

As it turned out the roads back to my place were blocked with militia -men, as Hezbollah had taken over in the night.  The death toll reported on every news channel and newspapers were only 10 or 11 people, the injured was 30.  You would have thought from the sounds at night there were hundreds just in Zarif, where I was. 

But this was a day ago and already there have been clashes between Druze and Shia raising the death toll to 30 people.  The language coming from either party does not look promising – whilst March 14, represented by Fouad Siniora, at this point, is calling the take over an act of terrorism, Hezbollah says they won’t let up until the government engages in dialogue with them.  And, on top of that Israel was quoted in a NY Times article, for the sake of including Israel in conversation about Lebanon’s possible civil war- because we remember how well that went twenty years ago, as saying that they are patrolling the northern borders but do not ‘want to add fuel to the fire.’  But will they keep their word? I mean if Hezbollah is actually in control of Lebanon, will Israel not say something along the lines of “For the sake of national security…” 

Neither side seems to be letting up, and everyone else is caught in between. It is absolutely ridiculous, that the government has ignored the problem this long; where was the foresight?  Most people that I have talked with, in Lebanon, saw something like this coming; why didn’t the government?  And, is Hezbollah making a mistake in these actions- could this ineffectually bring us closer to a war with Israel? 

Firstly I want to thank all the people that have responded to my emails and posts.  I want to thank those staying tuned to what is happening in Lebanon and the intentional energy folks have put out into the world for Lebanon’s well being. 

I guess I’m just a little disappointed is all.  Two summers ago when I sent out updates on my brothers well being during Israel’s war on Lebanon, my inbox was flooded with responses, beautiful words to support me through the hard times I was facing.  I wasn’t even the one in the midst of it all.  So two years have passed, and I’m the one in the chaos and the barrage of gunshots and where have my friends gone? 

I asked Radney if he had received many responses heart-felt and otherwise when he sent out updates two years ago.  His reply was similar to mine now- a few here and there.  Maybe it’s having to directly deal with the person in conflict that’s intimidating and surreal because if you had to really think about the turmoil that is ahead of them it’d be too much.  I’m not sure.  I’m not blaming because people absolutely need to be present with their own lives to make it as beautiful and intentional as possible, to carry all the weights that we do.   

But, please send your love not just to me but to this little divided country.  Let’s envision unity and love inside of Lebanon.  Take five minutes to meditate on it.  Sending you all love, Sending you all hope.  You are my heart in this. 

After two weeks of running around Lebanon and Beirut with one of my best friends from New York, the day she was supposed to leave was also when the “general strike” was to begin.  First things first, the road to the airport will be blocked off and at nine am the Airport will close - 15min after her flight should leave.  Our decision to make: do we get her there extremely early and hope her flight leaves on time, risking that if she does not leave on time she is stuck at the airport for possibly days? Or do we have her stay but risk that she is inevitably stuck in Lebanon for days?  After some deep meditation and considering the facts, it became apparent that it was time for her to go.  

I woke the next morning to head to class as AUB had remained open, to find it desolate and quiet, a rarety in my time here.  Only a few students and a few professors milling about.  I went back home as my classes were all cancelled for the rest of the day but needed to use the internet later that night.  So I walked with Nadim, crossing Bliss St. to get into the Penrose Gate at University, we weren’t bombared with the cascading beeps of Service’s or the suicidally fast cars passing through.  We saw two cars about 50 meters away from each other driving slowly, it was almost a scene from one of those western movies after the dust bowl storm had just blown through, and the tumbleweeds come rolling by.  Quiet sank in heavy, with a hint disaster on the skyline.   

Nasrallah, the leader of Hezbollah, gave a speech today describing their position as reactionary to the situation in the Government, of not being heard when trying peaceful protest, of being ignored when trying to engage in dialogue.  The “general strike” began with shutting down roads, burning tires, and the firing of weapons. 

As I sit here, at my computer now the sound of gunshots and explosions take up the empty space around me.  The country seems to have fallen to madness, with political faction to blame.  Of course there is more accountability placed on others, but then that just becomes a finger pointing game of who’s more wrong.  It’s hard to make complete sense of it all.

Hezbollah was ignored by the government for a year and 1/2.  The Government hasn’t met in over a year.  Elections are continually post-poned.  A comprimise leader was decided on, and yet still not elected.  I can understand the idea of escalating tactics— we do it in organizing campaigns, but what have we come to besides the brink of civil war? Isn’t there a better way?

I will be updating more soon but the fighting is very close to me now.

For good sources visit- 

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/articlebr.asp?edition_id=1&categ_id=2&article_id=91816

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/fisk/robert-fisk-lebanon-descends-into-chaos-as-rival-leaders-order-general-strike-822840.html

We all have our own rituals; some of it includes a night out at a specific place, with our specific friends, with our specific orders.  Or a night in with some dvd’s and our specific food that means something of home.  Or maybe it’s something to do with family eating and drinking- I mean all of those things have significance to me.  I’m someone that likes a bit of routine to keep me in line and productive paired with the impulsive side of life that keeps everything in homeostasis. 

But is that enough to make us feel whole? We are always looking for something outside of us that will somehow grant this feeling, like getting into that university or program, a certain person, a certain standard of living, comforts.  These externalities are yes apart of our lives but I can’t help but think that there has to be a better way, a more enriching world that could help us thrive. 

It’s not enough anymore to just fall into a life, or even actively work on positive social change issues. The problems that we face in this world are much greater than just racism, climate change, depleting resources, poverty, etc.  It is the culture that has permeated the entire world that not only allows these things to exist but is built upon the division and destruction of people and the annihilation of the earth.

What must we regain as many peoples that at one point were apart of a tradition and a people, even Britain at one point was made up of tribes that were defeated and divided by the Roman Empire.  In Lebanon, many people pride themselves on being able to move on with their lives during war, dancing in clubs, raising their glasses in cheers.  I cannot judge because I have no concept or personal experience with what it is to go through a war. However, it does sadden me, that we do not have something better, to cope and to stand in unity with other Lebanese who do not have that luxury to lose themselves in that way.  That same responsibility is placed on those in the US, myself included, that live side by side with disenfranchised communities, or even live in an “up and coming” community – aka gentrification- and are able to just ignore what that means.

I feel that ritual has a place in this madness, something seeped in tradition and quiet protest to the despair and ever growing wars.  In the case of the Lebanese war, what if there was an outlet to bring people together in a self expressive form.  The young and old teaching each other to over come, to clasp hands and dance, raising our arms in unity and defiance.  This may be a particular shade of rose colored glasses, but I’m ready to create something tangible people can hold on to, to persevere.

What I envision is something that is more holistic than just organizing because we are at a point where that is not an option.  We need to move from a set of values that is not based upon a political system, let alone a political system that was set up to benefit some and exploit the weaker divided majority.  We need respect and love for life as something sacred.  Furthermore we need to get back to what it is to honor womben as sacred beings with intrinsic understanding of emotion, the givers of life, someone to be revered rather than feared.  And, we need a spirituality that is rich with ritual and tradition, that actually feeds our souls, honors and gives back to the earth, and brings about a higher consciousness.

Well thank the gods and goddesses… My loan is about to be disbursed and I can actually pay for school and all my living expenses.  However, what a journey it has had from NYC destination Newport, NY and then final destination Beirut, Lebanon.  My check first started out at E 57th Street and Madison Avenue in the great metropolis of Manhattan, it’s journey a simple one- should have taken the over the George Washington Bridge, then the Parkway, Rt 87 to Rt 90 and then you’re pretty much golden, all within about four hours.

I’m sure the logic went something like this- well I mean we’re going to be on the road for a long time anyway why don’t we just like triple it- because my check then went from NYC to Jersey - by the way that wasn’t what made me upset although it could have ;), just kidding jersey- then to…… Tennessee?? Really Tennessee?? And then to Syracuse NY, much closer- maybe they were just guessing where Newport, NY was. I don’t know but I really think that the NY should give it away, but hey, who am I to judge.  And then from Syracuse to Oriskany - which is close but not quite close enough.  For three whole days, this mysterious envelope just hung out in Oriskany, I mean why not - everyone needs a little relaxation.

Hopefully when my check is sent east-ward it will not make unnecessary stops like South Aftrica, Saudi Arabia, or China.